Sometimes you force yourself to write something, sometime you write automatically as your emotions flow, this is such a moment, where my emotions are out of my control!Pardon me for that.
I have had a privileged child hood which many would envy. I have great parents who have shaped my Everything right from my character to my dress. They have supported me in each and every instant, they were so careful such that i do not see any failure nor heart break.... Coming to rescue each and every moment i raised some alarm, from smaller things like Shaving blade to larger things like Internships. Such privileged upbringing has resulted in a weak soul devoid of any strength to face the real world!
I have always bean an idealist aspiring and aiming at higher things... Somethings that would look extra ordinary and different...I always wanted to be above my peers.. With my parents backing I believed Life was a cake walk.My biggest worries were like " How much mark would i score in this test".....Nothing else worried me as i was completely insulated.
But now when I am 22 Yrs old, and being away from my parents. I realise how weak I am... Afraid of each and everything.Afraid to face the world boldly, Afraid of failure...Afraid of shame... Afraid of peers.. Afraid of teachers... Afraid of friends..Afraid of strangers.. Afraid of competition... Afraid of Love... Afraid of emotions... Afraid of LIFE....The life i thought was never like this, I thought the life is just a simple mathematical function where if u give the right input ( hardwork etc) you will get the appropriate reward. But I am realising that Life is a function that has multiple inputs and very complex... Realising how naive I am and I have been.
Today being a holiday after a long time I wanted to self introspect myself, as i had face continuous failures for the past few days and i was terribly upset I wanted to get over those feelings. I walked up a mountain in shillong into the woods, where there was no one. Sat on a rock and drank a sprite. Started thinking... Why am i upset? Failures.. Why failures? Dont know... What is a failure? Failing to achieve whatever I desire..What is a desire? Something i aspire for!, Why do I aspire? My mind wants it.. Why does my mind want it? To satisfy itself... Yes to satisfy the so called EGO!!!... When I was just introspecting I found that some one was walking near me chattering some thing in Khasi... I got up and ran as fast as i can... I ran for around a KM. I was panting then I asked myself what happened?? Why did i run? I was AFRAID!...Why was i afraid? I feared that he may scold me.. and tell something.. Yes I was afraid of Shame, I was afraid that he would hate my EGO( which has shaped itself as a bright young guy). Then I started recollecting all fears of mine.. Why was I shivering before GD today morning? Why was i afraid to face my friends/peers today morning after the failure? Why was i afraid to talk to some one? What made me shut myself in my room away from people reading books after consecutive failures??? Yes !!!, its all Ego... I realised that Ego ( the self image of bright young student with everything) fails to accept the reality and goes into all sorts of escapism. I realised this is the reason why people often get into bad habits to escape from the reality of failure and hurting one's ego(self image). So what should i do now?? There came a small 3 year old... he was talking to me something in Khasi ,something like kamasirakatha?(who knows what he says) I just replied samatapatha... we had such a talk for sometime(for about 15 mins) without understanding each other.. I felt very happy...How did i become so happy? I was happy for doing something that was childish!, Because i had no ego when i talked to the 3 year old, I became a 3 yr old.. I just had fun....it was exciting... Ha! finally I smiled on realising the truth and finding the real culprit" The Ego"!!! the smile i had continues still while I am writing this blog..
Life is seriously fun when you think you have nothing , you are nobody and you are just a creature on Earth !!!!! You become so childish and happy that you dont even care what others think of you!